Every year when the leaves and the bears awake from their winter’s slumber, when the crack of baseball bats shatters the icy winterland’s grasp, when the rubbery squeaks of sneakers on hardwood are at their most energetic, I get a little giddy.  Whatever pumps you up in the spring -March Madness, Spring Fever, Spring Break, heck, I’ll even throw in a late season Snowday (Mother Nature permitting, of course) – I bet I’ve got you beat.  Ladies and gentlemen, an oldie but goodie, I present Name of the Year.  Each year, conspicuously corresponding with the NCAA Basketball Championships, this clever blog enters 64 scrupulously selected and is-this-a-joke? hilarious names into a single elimination bracket.  Following are a few reinventions into non-proper nouns of some of my favorite names  from the website’s Hall of Name:

  • Tokyo Sexwhale – Class of 2003 – n. – the Sexwhale, as you might infer, is a close relative of the more common sperm whale.  Their symbiotic relationship between the people of Tokyo, Japan and the Tokyo Sexwhale is ancient.  Even Mr. Miyagi can’t remember it.  Long ago, Edokko (or Tokyoites, take your pick) discovered that the subspecies of whale, native to only the shallows of Tokyo Bay, enjoyed Japanese food immensely.  The street vendors and restaurants on the bay started realizing that, when they threw their food out on the beach and in the water, the Tokyo Sexwhales began regularly coming for feedings.  Mad because the Sexwhale was “stepping on their turf”, the Tokyoites began running operations with the whales not unlike a cramped cow feedlot, thus ridding the land of any food shortage concerns forever.  That’s the circle of life happening before our very eyes, dames and damsels – and we didn’t even need Elton John nor Simba to find it this time.  Symbiosis.

Artist's Depiction of the Tokyo Sexwhale (from Cloverfield)

  • Nimrod Weiselfish – Class of 2002 – n. The Nimrod Weiselfish is a now extinct fish.  Some marine biologists have been overheard calling them “the Dodo of the sea”, although that might be quite harsh.  The Nimrod Weiselfish had a pesky habit of chronically beaching themselves, effectively driving a nail into their own proverbial coffin.  No one much misses them.

Nimrodicus Weiselfensus